“A smile spread across Caroline’s face, for so many reasons. Because of her mother’s praise. Because she had just cleared an oxer set to 3’9”. Because she had finally let determination overcome fear. But most of all, because she was starting to remember what it felt like to fly.”
Just a small sneak peak of what I’ve been writing lately. Still have a ways to go! This video is from nine years ago today.
Tag: eventing
Caroline’s Purpose: Video
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Remember, you can get the ebook version of Caroline’s Purpose for $.99 all month! Here is an excerpt from the novel:
“Caroline? Caroline Davis?” A female voice spoke from beside her. Caroline turned, and
all of the blood drained from her face.
“It is you! Honey, how are you? I didn’t realize you had started riding again! Is your
mom here, too?” The woman pulled Caroline into a hug. Caroline went through the motions
to hug her back.
“Hi, Mrs. Richardson,” Caroline muttered into the shoulder of one of her mother’s
longtime clients. “No, Mom isn’t here.”
Mrs. Richardson released her from the hug, making eye contact. “What brings you here,
then?”
Caroline gulped. “I’m, um, a friend of Connor Taylor’s. He invited me.”
“Oh, how wonderful! I hear he’s a lovely young man. You’ll have to introduce me to
him. I have a few horses I want to see, but we’ll have to catch up later, okay? I’ll be sure to find
you.” She waved at Caroline as she walked away.
Caroline felt cold, clammy sweat beading at the back of her neck. She looked around
the barn, searching for the bathroom. She found the sign, right next to the feed room.
Flipping on the light, she locked the door behind her. She grabbed a paper towel,
wetting it with cold water from the sink. Placing it on the back of her neck, she closed her eyes
and forced herself to breathe.
You should have considered the possibility someone would recognize you. Why are you even
here?
Two faces appeared in her head as she asked herself that question. Edison. And Connor.
Edison needed her. And she was beginning to admit to herself, she needed him, too. He
was helping her find her way back.
And Connor. He knew pain and how to overcome it. He had found a purpose. She
needed him to show her how.
They were the reasons she was here.
Why is Caroline hiding? Find out by ordering your copy today!
https://www.amazon.com/Carolines-Purpose-Erica-Zaborac/dp/1611533929/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=13A0S36ZGANVQ&keywords=caroline’s+purpose&qid=1657651995&sprefix=caroline+s+purpos%2Caps%2C137&sr=8-3
Caroline’s Purpose: Blame Excerpt
“Caroline put the pile of ribbons aside and came to the last item in the box. To this day, she didn’t know who had been kind enough to do this, to save the only part of Beau they could. She gently fingered the braided piece of black and gray tail that was tied together with maroon ribbon, and lifted it from the box. Maroon had been Beau’s color. She lifted the tail to her face and inhaled. Even after years of being in that box, it still smelled like her beloved partner.
The touch of his tail and the smell of Beau was too much to take. Caroline found herself sobbing again, crying for the horse she had loved and couldn’t save, but also for the girl she had been.
Minutes passed before she felt like she was all cried out. Her eyes were red and raw, and her heart was torn open. Exhausted and trembling, she put the ribbons, the letters, and the article back in the box. She clutched the braided tail to her chest and lay back down, turning off the light.
Caroline fell into a brief and restless sleep. The desperate whinnies of Beau and Edison in her dreams woke her up. Her pillow was damp with a mix of sweat and tears, and her heart was pounding. She rolled over on to her back and stared up at the ceiling. She watched the fan whirling above her head and thought about the part of her secret that no one knew, not even Connor.
That she blamed herself for Beau’s death.
If she’d ridden him to that jump differently, or hadn’t been trapped under him after he fell, she could have saved him. If she’d put up a stronger fight as the paramedics loaded her into the ambulance, she could have begged the vet to try something, anything, besides putting him down. Or if there was truly nothing that could have been done for him, she could have at least been there to say goodbye. To ask him for forgiveness. And now another horse would lose his life because she was trapped…”
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Caroline’s Purpose: Letter Excerpt
“I wanted to answer my own question. I asked you who you were, and you told me you didn’t know. You are a great person. You are a person who has dealt with a lot of pain and loss. You are a girl with a gift. And most importantly, you are a girl God cares about. I’ve read a few verses this week that I wanted to share with you. I’m sure you’ve read them, back before you didn’t believe.
Matthew 11: 28–30: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Romans 8: 28, 38–39: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose… For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I know in the middle of loss, it is hard to believe that He cares. If He cared, He would have kept the bad stuff from happening, right? Believe me, I’ve struggled with these thoughts myself over Emily. But I’ve come to understand it doesn’t work that way, even if we wish it did.
God is the master planner and creator. He sees an image and a story that we can’t even dream of. He can use our pain and our loss, and our doubts, to fulfill His plan. We just have to trust Him. I know this is all easier said than done.”
This excerpt is part of a letter Connor wrote to Caroline. Do you want to read all of it? Or do you want to know everything that led up to this moment? Order Caroline’s Purpose now! If you’ve read it, comment below and leave a review on Amazon.
Caroline’s Purpose: Rain Excerpt
“Leaving the stall, Connor and Caroline pushed the hay bale to the side so they could shut the door. They walked to the house, their arms brushing as they went, and climbed up the steps to the porch. Connor stopped and turned back, looking out toward the barns. The paths were lit with lanterns, causing the stones to glisten from the rain.
“What’s wrong?” Caroline followed his gaze, trying to see or hear whatever had stopped him.
“Nothing is wrong. I do this every night. Look out over everything and remember how blessed I am to live this life. This, right here, is my favorite view.”
Caroline looked out again, this time not looking for something wrong, but appreciating it for what it was. “It is beautiful.”
“Caroline, is it okay if I pray?”
She studied him and saw the sadness still clinging to his eyes. If praying was what he needed to do, she wouldn’t get in his way. “Sure.”
Connor took her hand before he closed his eyes and began. “Lord, thank you for this day and for keeping us safe. Thank you that Caroline was here to calm Edison down, and thank you for her friendship. I haven’t been able to talk about Emily in a long time, and I needed to. Please help us remember You have a purpose for us, even through all of the pain and loss that we can’t understand. In Your name I pray, Amen.”
Connor opened his eyes and looked at her. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. For what it’s worth, I’m glad I was here tonight.”
Connor smiled as he let her in the front door of the house. All of the lights were off, except for one in the kitchen, and one over the stairs. “My mom left you some clothes on the bed in the guest room,” Connor told her as they headed up. “If you need anything else, I’m right across the hall.”
“Okay, thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Goodnight, Caroline.”
“Goodnight, Connor.”
Inside the guest room, Caroline fingered the clothes on the bed, then padded across the carpet to the window. The room was right above the porch, so she had the same view Connor had just told her was his favorite.
She stood there, staring out of the damp glass, replaying everything he had told her. He was right, he did understand why she didn’t believe anymore. He understood more about her than she had ever thought someone could. Maybe one day she would be able to tell him the truth, tell him her own story.
And maybe one day, he’d be able to help her believe again.”
Caroline’s Purpose is available now! If you’ve read it, and enjoyed it, please leave a review on Amazon. You can also like and share this post!
Caroline’s Purpose: Believing in God Excerpt
“Connor watched as Caroline ran her fingers through Edison’s forelock. He could see her mouth moving but couldn’t hear anything she was saying. He leaned into the stall door, in awe as the stallion was already as calm as he had been with her the other day. She did have a gift. A gift that she had given up on because of fear. A gift he wanted to help her rediscover.
‘God, help me here. Give me the right words to talk to her.’ he thought to himself.
“Caroline, can I…?” Connor stopped, and cleared his throat.
Caroline looked over her shoulder at him. “Can you ask me something?” She grinned as she teased him.
“Well… yeah. Sorry. Old habits are hard to break.”
She laughed. “No worries. Do you want to come in here? Maybe hand me his grain bucket, see if he’ll eat?”
Connor nodded as he came into the stall. He grabbed the bucket and stepped over to Caroline and Edison. The stallion perked his ears, looking at the bucket with interest.
Caroline took it from Connor and cradled it in her arms. “Hungry, big guy? You can eat.”
Edison put his head down and began chewing on his dinner. Caroline looked up at Connor, her eyes the happiest he had ever seen. “So, what did you want to ask me?”
Connor reached over and patted Edison on the neck. “Remember when we had lunch in the union? You told me you used to believe in God, but you didn’t want to explain it then. Do you think you could now?”
Caroline looked away from him, her eyes falling to Edison’s ears. Connor watched her blink as she bit her lip. He took a step closer to her.
“I’m sorry. You don’t have to.” Connor put his hand on her arm.
She looked up at him again as she felt his touch. “No, it’s okay. It’s pretty simple.”
“Simple?”
“Yeah.” Caroline shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve had to deal with too much pain and loss to keep believing He cares about me or my future.”
“I can understand that. Completely.” Connor swallowed.
“You can?” Caroline wrinkled her forehead as she looked at him.
“Yeah, I can.” He had asked God to give him the right words to say to her so many times over the last few months. And now, he knew what he had to do. He had to tell Caroline about Emily.”
Do you want to read more? Do you need your questions about Caroline, Connor, Emily, and Edison answered? Order Caroline’s Purpose now!
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1611533929/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1615084972&sr=8-1
Taming Baby Dragons
It was when I had my third young thoroughbred on the lunge line at the Coconino Spring Horse Trials that I came up with my new job title: Baby Dragon Tamer. At two, four, and five years of age they all looked like dragons with their heads straight up, manes standing on end in the breeze, and their tails draped over their backs as they enjoyed the cool pine air. It was then that I began to question my sanity.
I know it’s unusual for an adult amateur to have three baby horses. Believe me, it was never my plan. It just worked out that way. The first one, Goldee (registered name Goldee and Me), was a gift from my parents. She was my project horse in the University of Arizona Equine Sciences Program. In the program, students are assigned a baby to work with until they are sold as long yearlings, and my parents bought her for me. The second one found me. Zacharee (Be Still and Know) showed up at the barn I was working at. He also went through the U of A program. And the third… well Fran (Lady Lokee) happened to follow me home when she didn’t sell at an auction. Not only do I have three baby thoroughbreds, I have three baby thoroughbreds who are all related. They are all by the same sire, Chelokee.
My actual plan for this year was to ride my “grown-up” horse, Cidney, at Training Level. Cidney was the Senior Novice Horse of the Year for Area X in 2016, and I was excited to move up. However, a suspensory injury that required surgery changed those plans completely. Cidney earned himself a well-deserved year of vacation and rehab, giving me plenty of time to focus on the baby dragons.
The Coconino Spring Horse Trials was our first outing of the year. Goldee and Zacharee both competed in the Open Intro division and Fran went along for the ride as a non-compete. We arrived on Thursday afternoon, which is when I titled myself the Baby Dragon Tamer. After being in the trailer for almost six hours and with temperatures about twenty degrees cooler than what we had been having at home, all three of them were eager to stretch their legs a little. My only hope was that they would settle in and have their thinking caps on for when the show started. I only had two goals in mind for them for the weekend: to finish with a number not a letter and to finish on our dressage scores.
Friday dawned cool, breezy, and early. It is always run as a schooling day, with the opportunity for stadiums rounds and judged dressage tests. For the Intro horses this year, the show management ran an unofficial one day, allowing us to do both the dressage and stadium rounds, and a shortened cross-country course. The order was a little different, as we did stadium first, then cross-country, and finished with dressage. Both Goldee and Zach were great in both jumping phases. Dressage was a little bit of a different story.
As I trotted around the outside of the dressage arena on Zach, one of the horses in the stadium area laid down with its rider. Zach had a full view of the situation and it took a lot of convincing to get him to leave the spot he had nailed his shoes into. As we went down the other side, he decided that trash cans were horse eating monsters.
Nonetheless, we made it down the centerline and completed the test. I knew it wasn’t great, but it was schooling day and the whole point was to get him in the arena. Goldee didn’t see any monsters that were going to eat her, but was quite fussy in the bridle. I knew she was mentally worn out from everything she had experienced in the first two days, so I gave her a pat and was thankful she tried her best. Again, I knew the test wasn’t great.
Even though I knew the tests were far from perfect, the comments from the judge were surprising and discouraging. Zach’s 50 and Goldee’s 48 made my jaw drop. There were no positive or encouraging comments. One test even said, “better luck next time.” I was also told that without a $50,000 horse that my only hope for a decent score was to have better circles and to ride more into my corners. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know my geometry is far from flawless and that there is always something to improve on, especially with babies, but the tone of these comments seemed harsh to me. I’m sure I took them a little personally, having brought up these babies and being nothing but proud of them. But it still didn’t seem quite right. I am used to advice or encouraging feedback from judges, even when scoring a four or below on a movement.
It was a confidence shaker. I was ready to load up and head home, to withdraw from the actual competition. I sat in front of their stalls fighting tears, convincing myself I wasn’t good enough to bring these babies to their full potential. How could I have the skills to produce young horses when I haven’t even ridden above Novice? I had myself persuaded that it wasn’t fair to Goldee and Zach, or Fran in the future, to keep riding them myself. They would be better off with someone else. As I sat there, calculating what time I could get home if I left right then, I felt two little sets of eyes on me. I looked up and saw my sweet babies looking at me. It was then I realized there’s so much more to this than dressage scores, comments from judges, and being “good enough.”
I have worked for many long months to earn the trust of these young horses. They have made me laugh and brought me so much joy, but they have also frustrated me to the point of exhaustion. This weekend, I learned that all of these moments are part of this beautiful journey they are taking me on. They can’t read, so they have no idea what the judge wrote about us. They are just doing their best to do as I ask. All they want is to be taken care of in return.
I had to change my mental state completely before climbing in the saddle for dressage on Saturday. I have been taught that my young, green horses get their confidence from me. They don’t know what to expect at horse shows. If I have nothing but doubt in my mind, they are going to be confused and nervous, even more so than they might inherently be. Changing my thinking was difficult, and the comments from the schooling judge kept echoing through my head. I decided to focus only on Goldee and Zach. If I expect them to give me their all, I have to be able to give them mine.
I’m happy to say I think it worked. I had much better dressage tests. Zach scored a 42.1 and Goldee earned a 37.4. These scores are still far from faultless, but much improved from just twenty-four hours prior. Both of my babies were relaxed and took everything in stride. That’s all I can ask. They both did well in stadium, with Zach adding a rail and Goldee going clean. Both had time penalties because I took wider turns than intended, but I was trying to set them both up for success. Cross country was fantastic. Zach went double clean and I could tell that he was loving every minute just as much as I did. Goldee went around like a superstar as well, besides a hesitation at the water. She did step back, making it a refusal, but she then jumped in and landed in the middle of the water. She didn’t spook, but trotted out like she owned the place. I was very proud of both of them.
Zacharee ended the show in fifth place and Goldee in eighth. We didn’t accomplish the goal of finishing on our dressage scores, but they both finished with a score instead of a letter. The lessons I learned this weekend are much more valuable than any color ribbon we could’ve received. It would have been so easy to crumble under the comments from the judge, to pack up and give up. But that wouldn’t have been fair to Goldee and Zach. They have put just as much time in to this as I have. They love their jobs and they aren’t affected by negative comments or feedback, so why should I be?
I have learned that I have two choices when it comes to criticism, and I hope that maybe this will be an encouragement to someone else as well. The first option is the easiest: to crumble and give up. The second is harder, but it is the one I will be taking from now on. The feedback caused me to doubt myself, yes. But once I got over that, I find it has motivated me more than anything else ever has. I can look at the comments and do everything in my power to do better, to be better, to make me and my horses better. Instead of upsetting me, these comments will inspire me.
I’m sure a lot of people think I’m in over my head with three young thoroughbreds, but I want to see what I can do. I want to see what they can do. I have a daily front row seat to their personalities, and I get to see the heart and talent that they possess. I also have a passion for this sport that won’t be extinguished. I aspire to be more than an adult amateur one day, but that day is a long way off. For now, I have to take it day by day. One ride, one lesson, one fence at a time. I’m sure there will be days I doubt myself again, when confidence is hard to find. But I won’t give up. I won’t give in. I’ll just focus on my current job title and be proud of myself for taming baby dragons.
One Word at a Time 